Finding Happiness.

There always seems to be something wrong, even when things are going right. Our brain tends to seek out more stimulation, to find that high…

During those times when I don’t feel my best, I try to think of the time when all I could wish for was be in the moment I am in now. The last few weeks have been a struggle with the lows, but I have been able to keep my spirits high last week and this week by reflecting. Although it is tough to be in my current situation, I currently don’t struggle with lack of belonging. I know that I am an outsider, but it is not something that sets me back like it did previously.

In the end, what does it really mean to find happiness? It is not a constant state that we can always have, for sure, but it is nicer to be on the side of happy on average rather than sad. Though I try to avoid comparisons, in some cases it comes in handy for when I am feeling down to see that others may wish for the life I have… heck, I have wished for this life for myself for years. I am safe in a shelter with the person I love with no worries of starving or losing our home. In these cases, it helps me with gratitude.

One way to stay motivated is through setting short and long term goals, and with every goal reached comes satisfaction. These little bursts of happiness, just to keep me going until I reach the next one.

It is definitely much harder now without the structure of school, deadlines of exams. Before, someone had a set of expectations for me and now as an adult it needs to come from me. I’m sure it will be easier later on, but for now I will learn as I navigate life as a responsible (as much as possible) adult.

Content.

I am grateful and content. It is a feeling that I have not felt for so long. There was always a big obstacle to overcome, usually multiple. Now, I have everything I have ever wanted and more: love, financial security, and very little stressors. Yet, there are days that still fill me with doubt and anxiety…

I am very content with where I am. However, being in a new country with a different language is also not the easiest. With the pandemic and the lack of friends/social interaction, there’s still something missing. My anxiety is not unreasonable with all the changes I have undergone and will continue to experience, but it should not be something that I dwell on. I have the support from my loved ones to get through everything. It’s okay to feel these feelings and normal even. Give yourself the time and space to be sad and grieve all the things that have changed. Just don’t let it take over your thoughts. Stay grateful and look on the bright side, especially if you are feeling a bit in the dark.

What Really Matters.

Here is something I wrote in an old journal that is relevant to what’s going on.

“When you have to eventually “pack your life in a suitcase” you learn to separate things that matter from those that don’t (and leave behind things that don’t).”

After moving from one country to the other, and city to city, I’ve learned to become a minimalist. Even the people I make connections and keep friendships with has gotten smaller. I’m excited to finally move and set my roots in a place where I know I will stay long term and feel comfortable, which is a great feeling after the last 13 years of not feeling like I belong… all these time everything felt so temporary.

Freedom and Realization.

The moment I walked out of the door, leaving work for the very last time felt liberating. Yet, I also felt anxiety for the new chapter that lies ahead. I couldn’t quite understand the mix of emotions until I was approaching home. It was then that I realized that I am leaving this place associated with many negative memories and emotions. It‘s bittersweet, but more on the sweet.

I can’t wait for the new beginning with my favorite person. I can’t wait for the new adventures that we‘ll have, the good and the bad. I can’t wait to create new memories that will overshadow the negative ones that have I have been trying to forget.

A new place means a clean slate and I can start over with no bad memories associated with these places.

I‘m excited to begin this new journey, but for now I need to pack before I can even get on the plane lol.

Meine Reaktion auf mein B2-Prüfungergebnis

Ich freue mich sehr über das Prüfungergebnis, obwohl ich den Hörteil nicht bestanden habe. Ich hatte eine sehr schwere Zeit mit dem Hörteil während der Prüfung, also ich war mit dem Ergebnis nicht sehr überrascht. Ich brauche noch zehn mehr Punkte, um die Prüfung zu bestehen. Ich bin nicht mehr zu ängstlich, die Prüfung zu wiederholen. Hoffentlich nächstes Mal kann ich mein Ziel, zu bestehen, erreichen. Nachdem könnte ich gut konzentrieren, einen neuen Job zu finden. Aber zuerst muss ich alle Bestätigungen für das B2-Sprachniveau und meine Ausbildung geben, um eine Erlaubnis zu bekommen. Sonst könnte ich nicht für eine Stellung in mein Beruf bewerben.

Ich hätte es nie gedacht, dass ich eine Spache innenhalb eines Jahr lernen kann. Vielleicht kann die Liebe das tun haha! Manchmal möchte ich auch denken, dass ich einfach ein Sprachgenie bin! Nur Spass, aber ich bin sehr stolz auf mich und meine Leistung. Sprachenlernen ist immer besser mit der Eintauchung/Immersion, aber nach ich zu Kalifornien geflogen bin, habe ich noch mit Spachenlernen fortgefahren. Ich werde sagen, dass ich hatte weniger Motivation, weil ich war nie in Situationen, wo ich Deutsch gebraucht habe, um zu überleben lol. Mit 2 Stunden pro Woche mit meine Deutschlehrerin und unregelmässig Selbststudium habe ich es geschafft. Meine Grammatik ist nicht perfekt, aber ich kann kommunizieren und das ist das Wichtigste.

“Everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life and I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others… I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”

One Year

When I was 17, I lost my dad to lung cancer out of nowhere. During that time of uncertainty, I became so depressed and being an introvert and unable to express my emotions I turned to writing. I just found this now after 7 years, which I wrote these around the first year of his death anniversary. I’m not much of a poet, but this is actually not bad.

---

 

UNTITLED

A year only means

that I’ll be closer to you

To hug you so tight,

You won’t be able to breathe

Life without you is

filled with tears and agony;

And I always seem

to struggle to be happy

All I hold onto

are the memories we shared,

Because as much as I want

I can’t bring you back

Wherever you are,

Must be where you belong.

I hope you’re happy,

and continue to guide me.

I look forward to

the time we meet again,

Though it might not

come as soon as tomorrow

Doubts fill my every thought,

but there is one thing I can be certain.

I know that it hasn’t quite been

the easiest year.

 

ALOOF

I have never faced

uncertainties and sorrows,

so I had no clue just how much

my life would be changed.

It was hard to see,

to hear, and to comprehend.

All I could ever think of

were the “what-ifs?” and “what now?”

The days were rough,

but the nights were much harder;

it proved to me that thoughts

can definitely kill a man.

My world quickly tumbled down

and there was no way

that I could make it all stop.

But you were the reason, I did not give up.

I knew that I couldn’t live knowing

that I didn’t make

your last wishes come true.

And so it has been a year,

and a lot of things have changed.

But I still wish that you were here

giving me courage, easing my mind.

My thoughts are still filled with my doubts and fears

that I will, again, lose someone I love.

I have grown to be

more guarded and aloof

because it hasn’t quite been

the easiest year.

Priorities

With the global slowing down of life due to the COVID quarantine, I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I truly value in life… even more than my introspective self already does. None of them are listed in numerical order, but whichever comes to mind from what I’ve thought of lately or read.

• Being grateful daily for all the things that I have and am able to do. To just wake up for another day is a big blessing in and of itself.
• Gaining experiences while sharing them with loved ones. In the future, I would love to teach my kids that it is not the material things that they will remember to encourage them to save and spend it on travels.
• Spending time with loved ones. Unfortunately, I am thousands of miles away from the person I wish I could spend time with during these uncertain time. However, I am glad to have had this time with family before I leave the country.
• Reading and having an access to the library. During this time, I’ve read more than I have watched shows and I learned so much. Most days with work in the way I just want to do something with the least effort and that’s watching Netflix or YouTube. Being a former voracious reader, it definitely feels good.
• Having a good amount of savings to last for months ahead. Definitely important. These are unprecedented times and if I didn’t have savings, the anxiety will definitely be high.
• Have a home with everything you need to entertain (without needing internet). Exercise equipment, enough canned goods, baking stuff, books, musical instruments, art supplies, etc.

That’s all for now. Whoever is reading this I hope you and your family are staying healthy!

Ich habe es endlich geschafft!

Heute hatte ich meine B2 Deutsche Prüfung fertig gemacht. Hoffentlich bekommen wir unsere Ergebnis sehr schnell, weil ich während der Prüfung sehr verwirrt war. Ich hatte keine Ahnung, besonders mit Lesen- und Hörverstehenteilen, ob ich sie bestehen kann. Nachdem einem Jahr von Deutsch lernen und sehr intensive 7-Monaten Online Deutsch sprechen und schreiben, habe ich alles endlich gemacht. Ich habe immer noch viel Angst, weil ich die Noten nicht weiß. Es kann sein, dass ich ein Modul oder mehr leider nicht bestanden habe. Deshalb muss ich diese(r) Teil(e) von der Prüfung wiederholen. Es ist sehr schwierig, weil ich während dieser Zeit in einem Deutschsprachigen Land nicht gewesen bin. Ich kann jetzt nichts tun, sondern wünsche für die beste Ergebnis.

“Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”