theponderingspeck

“When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.”

Certainty.

The amount of love and appreciation I have for you is endless.

Spending a couple of weeks with you was like a dream that I did not want to wake up from. Every moment we spent with together was magical. I did not think that it was possible for me to love you more, but I was proven wrong. Our bond feels stronger than ever. Your presence was refreshing and something I needed to erase all the insecurities I had about myself. Somehow, you remove my worries by simply being with me and holding me. I hope I have expressed enough how grateful I am for your existence, patience, and love. I am willing to take risks and cross oceans just to be with you.

Until then, I will continue to love you from afar (and send you memes).

Eye of the Storm.

It’s been eight months since I first wrote about you. It amazes me how you manage to surpass my expectations almost every single time. Despite being 6000+ miles away, you calmed me down during the times I felt worthless and inadequate when things aren’t going too well in school. You are always there to comfort me when my brain cells are fried from endless amounts of studying. I am very grateful to have someone with enough patience to deal with me during this time of high stress who not only cares about my physical health, but my emotional health as well.

Being apart from each other is hard to handle in and of itself, but there are times when I make it harder when I get emotional and ask why you aren’t here with me. I know being unable to do anything, except offer words of consolation, makes you feel helpless… because that’s the same way I feel when I receive your messages telling me how you long for me to be by your side. My heart drops and breaks in these situations. However, I believe that it will all be worth the wait, although only God knows how long that wait will be.

In addition to being overwhelmed by the distance, there have been instances when the stress of school got to me that I’ve gotten mad at you because of silly little things. I beat myself up for all those times because you didn’t deserve them for all the things that you’ve done for me and I cried so much because I didn’t feel like I deserve you. Even as I sit here and write about them, I think about how ungrateful it is of me to treat you that way, even briefly.

Yet, you remain to be patient and continue to understand me.

I never thought that I could love someone as much as I love you, but what is more astonishing is how someone can love me as much as you do. I have fears that one day one of us will get tired of the distance, but those fears vanish whenever I hear your voice and when I recall your attempt to convince me that long distance is worth a shot. I do believe that having this distance between us and the opportunity to see each other once in a while is still so much better than waiting and settling for someone to come along in close proximity. With you, despite the thousands of miles that separates as, I am home and there’s nothing else that I can ask for.

Thank you for being the eye of the storm, for being the calm in the center of this turbulent phase called grad school.

 

Who woulda thunk…

I certainly didn’t.

Not a year ago, not six months ago, three months… Hell, not even the day we first met did I think that you would be driving me crazy. I barely knew of your existence two months prior to this day. You were just a face and a name, but definitely not someone I gave much thought. However, you managed to get into my head and consume my thoughts.

Clearly, you’ve done something that caused my brain to rewire. Now, it seems as if this big head of mine is filled with images of you. How you managed to break down my walls and lower my guards in such a short amount of time still baffles me… I’m more cautious now than ever, yet you broke through every protection I built to shield me from getting hurt again.

It’s such a strange, but wonderful feeling to be admired. It’s also so new, which makes it scarier than it would’ve been if I had any experiences with relationships.

Every day I wonder how someone like you is actually interested in someone like me. I try not to let my insecurities win over and ruin whatever is just beginning. Yet, time and again they cloud my thoughts. I would just like to enjoy what we have because this seems like something special. I have no idea how things will end up, but I’m rooting that this is for the long haul because you are quite something and I think you may be able to give me my happily ever after.

The Unknown.

It’s weird, but there are things and people out there that we didn’t even know we are interested in until we encounter them. I am commonly told I have very high standards, which makes dating harder than it is for me. However, to meet someone who seems to be everything I wanted and more is a little surreal. Sure, it’s probably not going to end up how I want it to… happily ever after and all, but at least I have proven that my type does exist.

I’d go as far as saying my night was magical… though I don’t anticipate a continuation. At least my faith in love/humanity was somewhat restored.

Seedlings.

To my hypothetical child or children,

There have been many thoughts clouding my mind lately, but most of all it is how I’d be able to protect my non-existent child(ren) from being hurt in this wonderful, but cruel world. I always knew I wanted to be a mom and I can’t wait for that moment to finally come, but I don’t know if I’m still up to having six children as I used to daydream of… Even having one seems like a lot of responsibilities now that I’ve become aware of the realities of life.

I’m going to start writing to you so I can have some stories to dig up in the future, or maybe something for you to read when I’m old and ready to reveal my secrets (but honestly, do I even have any knowledge of value to anyone?).

Anyway, I just wanted to advice you to be honest. Say what you feel if someone asks you and even if they don’t ask you. If someone has hurt you in some way, tell them. Don’t be afraid to confront someone, but remember to be tactful. You have to be sensitive of other people’s feelings. Don’t be deceitful or hold grudges. Learn to let go of negative emotions. Know that you don’t have to agree 100% with someone to be their friend. Respect others and their opinion, hear different sides. Don’t be too quick to make judgments.

In short, I want you to be open-minded. I want you to get along with people from all walks of life. I want you to be liked and respected. Most of all, I want you to succeed.

But before you can do all that, you first have to exist…

If in case, I never have you I’d be very unsatisfied with life. So for all the times that I get mad at you, know that it was because I wanted to have you so much to complete my existence and I just want to keep you safe.

P.S. I’ve been watching too much Korean dramas, hence the advise about honesty and sensitivity. It’ll be useful one day and you’ll realize it (hopefully not when it’s too late).

“Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He’s very dreamy, but he is not the sun. You are.”