theponderingspeck

“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”

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Realization.

The distance that has been separating us is something that I have been needing for quite some time. For a long period of time, I’ve been wanting to get away from you so I can put my feelings to a halt knowing that pining over you causes more harm than good. Being in constant contact with you have made it so hard for me to get over this foolish crush. I was so naïve about relationships when I first met you, not that I am not anymore, but now I am more aware of things.

I have been trying to stop these thoughts from forming in my head of how you’ll eventually come around one day and I’ll be there stupidly accepting you. The logical part of me scolds every single time I think that way, but the part of me who believes that we might have a chance somehow wins 8/10 of the battle. At first, I didn’t understand why… I knew that you had these qualities that I admired, undeniable chemistry that has led people who do and don’t know us to believe we’re a couple, and lastly because you’ve been the most constant person in my life for the past few years outside of my family.

Logical me argues that this is not enough for me to keep hoping that one day it will be you and me in the end. This argument is too weak because there are other guys out there who are much better than you in all aspects. Second, I may have better chemistry with someone I have not met yet. Finally, you’re someone who I want in my life for a long time. We don’t need to be in a relationship for that to occur.

These are things that I constantly repeat to myself with each thought I have of you. I then continue to remind myself of your negative qualities to convince myself to stop putting you on a pedestal. As you have said so yourself (out of the blue, during one of your hypothetical spiels), you’re not the type of person who would be good for me. I agree 100% with it now that I’ve had time away from you to analyze everything. You always manage to make me feel like I’m in cloud 9, but you also drain me to the point that I feel mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.

The mark of being away from you for a year is fast approaching. As the days go by, I think about you less and less. Although, there’s still that sliver of hope. So in my free time, I read pointless articles and forums on how to get over your best friend. Funnily enough, last night I found someone’s answer from a forum which put into words what I actually felt about you.

“When it’s unreciprocated infatuation, it’s mostly about you… Pretty much every time I’ve had a horrible, unbearable crush on someone, it was about my own need to change myself, often in a way represented by the person… Brilliant, charismatic philosophy person with a happy childhood? My desire to be that kind of person, to be happy, to be liked. Oddball, driven activist with unconventional gender presentation? My own drive to be a better activist and sort out my gender stuff. “

It was then that I realized that I did admire you because you had the qualities I never had. But since we spent all that time together, some did rub off on me. However, I will never be as good as you on the piano or be as intelligent as you are. But love? Although I truly love you, I don’t think I was ever in love with you. Maybe I liked the idea that people saw how good we looked together and how we seemed to get along so well, but what they saw was the surface. I do love you as a best friend, as family, since we were there for each other during the hard times… but even our friendship also seems to be one-sided at times.

You’re not someone I could be in love with, if you are not in love with me as well. If you are not willing to put effort to meet me halfway I’ll eventually get tired of having to meet you where you are (literally and figuratively). As our regular interactions become more sporadic, I don’t have to actively ignore you as I see your name pop up on my messages or calls. With a clear future ahead of me and less doubts of my capabilities, I’m starting to think about myself a lot more.

I’m sorry that I have not been 100% your best friend, but I’ll get there eventually. I just need to be certain with who I want to be and achieve all the goals that I have for myself. Until then, I’ll be a bad friend who only texts once in a while and ignores you majority of the time.

 

 

 

 

Seeing clearly.

As I transition back into my old life surrounded by people who share similar hopes and dreams, I’m slowly detaching myself from the life I lived back in undergrad. I need you a lot less than I did before, but it has not even been a week since it all ended. I’m gaining my independence again and seeing that although you still matter, you’re not as great as I made you out to be. We’re not as great of a match as I thought. Maybe my doubts all these time had been a warning all along that I ignored because of how good you were able to make me feel. In the end, I regret nothing because you helped break me down so I can become stronger.

Why I should stop seeing you as a potential…

  • You’re adventurous and each time spent with you is thrilling, but I somehow end up feeling that I’m never good enough for you
  • I will never be your first choice
  • Our morals do not line up
  • You don’t believe in God
  • You’re not very supportive
  • We’re really good friends and I would hate to do anything that will change that
  • We will never be able to make each other the happiest we could be
  • You remember the things I say, but it seems that when we talk it’s all about you
  • You’re smart and talented, but you can be too much to handle
  • We always end up doing what you want
  • Being with you, talking about you, doing what you want is fun, but can be pretty draining physically and emotionally
  • I can never speak my mind with you because I’m afraid that you will judge me
  • You’re someone I wouldn’t mind taking home to my family, but I would think about whether I want to go home with you each night and start a family with you
  • We like the same music and laugh at the same jokes, but is that enough?
  • You don’t take care of your body and your heart
  • I don’t fully agree with your view on relationships
  • I can’t sit comfortably in silence with you

Dreams.

I hate that I dream of you. In these dreams, you talk about how there’s a possibility that we can work out. You act like there is something between us. I am done hoping that this can turn into something… I wish I can just cut you off for a while without losing the relationship that we have, until all the feelings are gone from my subconscious.

I wonder if the “what ifs” will ever go away. Maybe they won’t truly go away until I meet someone who will divert my attention, or maybe ever…

A response.

I don’t quite believe in romance the way that I used to. I have learned a lot of things the past year that made me realize that I have been so fortunate to not have been exposed to many of the horrible things in this world. I lost my faith in humanity… I lost faith in love and became devastated because I saw how my generation is changing the future of relationships, and I cannot keep up. The technological age changed the way relationships work a lot more than I originally believed. Meeting someone and getting to know them in person seems to be too old-fashioned nowadays, making it difficult for hopeless romantics like me. Thus, I now believe that I only have a 1% chance in finding love (if I’m lucky).

It has been almost two years since we officially met. You were captivating and I thought that you were the one (but now I know that was silly of me). When I wrote that entry, I was hopeful that our budding friendship would turn into something. Yet, I was trying to prevent myself from getting hurt so I began convincing myself that just having you as a friend would be enough. There were a lot of things that happened in between, but long story short I ended getting my heart broken. Reality really did a poor job of meeting my expectations… Despite having a period where I really hated you and just wanted to get away from you (which was impossible… it was hard trying to bottle up all that hate and frustration when you constantly talked to me), we somehow stayed friends and even became the best of friends.

It’s funny how I wrote “In my hopeless romantic world, it would be you and me, once we are ready to settle down.” Now we joke about being each other’s back ups (I really do hope that will not be the case). However, I am not going to lie and say that the possibility of you and I ending up together does not cross my mind. When you suggested that, naturally I blushed a little… and all the other times that you repeated it. That foolish girl who believes in love and fate still resides deep inside of me. Although you are one of the reasons I lost my faith in love and humanity, I am still very grateful to have a friend like you coming into my life. Our relationship is so unique and it’s something that I will treasure forever.

We’re both starting a new chapter in our lives. I wonder if our friendship will stand the test of time and distance… I pray it does. My faith in love may be lost, but I still believe that friendships can last forever. I hope it does not turn out to be another one of the “silly things” that I once believed to be true.

P.S. Still kinda hoping that my Prince Charming will turn up soon.

Old Journal Entry.

Having existed for almost twenty years on the face of this planet, I never once found myself spending so much of my time talking to and spending time with someone of the opposite sex who is worth risking my heart for. I guess, reading fairy tales and watching Cinderella and other Disney movies tirelessly made me have high standards. Seeing the great relationship of my parents while growing up also made me believe in love. They definitely made me see the importance of working together as partners to keep the relationship strong.

Being in college, and living on my own, I got to experience life from a different perspective. I was still indifferent about love until the fall of sophomore year when you walked into the room. It was as if fate tapped me on the shoulder and said, “That is him. He is the one.” I’ve seen you before, but I had doubts so I brushed it off. Class ended, but we did not speak at all.

The next week, you asked if the seat next to me was taken and from then on it was you and me. However, I thought that it was nothing romantic. I thought you were cute, and the more I got to know you, the more I thought of you.

I thought of you when I would study, and remember the clever and stupid, but funny, things you said in class. I thought of you when your name would appear on my phone or computer, and wonder why you would talk to me instead of doing other things. I thought of you when I’m driving alone listening to the radio because you told me when we were on our way to dinner that one time after class that you don’t like country.

I thought of you a lot, but I knew I should stop thinking about you.

When the semester was coming to an end, I was afraid that our “friendship” would end along with it. Afterall, there would be no reason for us to talk because we wouldn’t have any classes together and I would never see you around because I managed to not see you for the whole first year of college, no matter how small the university is, what would be the difference then? (Besides the fact that I can and have to spend more time on campus)

I don’t see myself as the typical girl-next-door, and you are my definition of “Mr. Right.” There was no reason for you to talk to someone like me. You just seemed too out of my league. I tried to come up with ways to talk to you when winter break started, but I ran out of excuses after grades were out. Spring semester began and although I wanted to talk to you, I didn’t want to creep you out. I finally found a good reason to talk to you, and that was when our regular exchanges began. I felt as if we were actually friends, instead of acquaintances who stuck with each other because it was convenient. You shared things about your life, and we messaged each other late at night. You asked me to hang out, and it made me happy to be in your presence.

Right now I’m not quite sure what’s going on, but I like things the way they are.

I want you in my life. It doesn’t have to be anything romantic. I want to be in your life, even as a friend. It would be a great loss if someone like you would be gone from my life forever. I have never made a connection with someone similar to what we have.

I have always believed in destiny and love. In my hopeless romantic world, it would be you and me, once we are ready to settle down. Sadly, the world does not work that way. I’m not really sure of what we are and what we have or if there’s even a slight chance of us ever dating. I’m not one to read between the lines, but I feel that this is something special. I’d still be happy even if we are only meant to be friends because I’m pretty darn lucky to have met someone like you. Without you, I wouldn’t have known that someone can actually meet everything in the long list of things that I look for in a man.

What we are does not matter at the moment because I’m grateful for whatever we have. You have restored my faith in love. Because of you, I am inclined to believe that romance still exists.