Dating, 2015.

Here’s a post from 3 years ago that I left in my drafts. It’s funny reading it because of all the things that have taken place since I initially wrote this post. Patience really is a virtue since my things seem to just be falling into place… I’m so glad I didn’t lower my standards 😉

. . . . .

I am turning 21 this year and I still have not been on a date. However, this does not bother me at all. I grew up thinking that I would marry my first boyfriend. In some aspects, I am quite sheltered. I was a hopeless romantic until college. Before then, I thought that hook ups only existed in movies and that each person is bound to find an amazing guy. A great factor in believing in all of these things are the successful marriages and relationships around me growing up, particularly the relationship that my parents had. Adults in my family always discouraged dating and for me I had no real troubles because those who tried to express their interest were not first boyfriend material, therefore they were not husband material. Plus I find no logic in dating someone for the sole purpose of saying that I have been on dates and have had boyfriends. When I do things, it’s either my whole heart is in it or not at all. I have found that when I’m only partly interested and I do things, then I come to hate whatever that is. I did not want to hate dating. I did not want to lead someone on because I would hate to be led on.

There’s a huge difference in being physically attracted in someone, finding some qualities that you like in a person, and actually liking someone as a whole. When making friends, I get really picky (in anything really). It’s always quality over quantity. I don’t pursue friendships with people I cannot envision in my future. It might be one of my flaws, but it has not failed me so far. The people I value are those I can trust. Having someone who is physically attractive is not enough to take down the walls I have built.

Like many young girls I had a list of qualities that I wanted in a partner, although I would not consider them shallow. One of my goals in life is to have a family and for this to happen, I want a reliable husband who has a list of qualities that can complement my own. I was pondering about my love life and thought about how I used to daydream about being married or at least engaged by age 25. My success in finding a high school sweetheart was not too good, so I thought my luck would be in college and I could still get married by this age. A few years into college, I realized that it’s nearly impossible for me to find someone. Some people were not interested in commitment, others wanted to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons, others were happy with their significant other, but I still have not found what my former hopeless romantic self would call, “soulmate.” Nonetheless, I was happy. Finding a significant other was not my priority and it definitely was not the reason that I attended college. My goal was to make my family proud by succeeding in life. They have always encouraged me to reach for my dreams and I wanted to work hard to give back to my biggest supporters. I also felt incomplete and I did not believe that getting into a relationship would cure me of my loneliness. I did not believe that it is right to expect someone to fill the void. I felt that I would have been a burden to the person I was in a relationship with because of all the luggage I had, but was not willing to share. Before jumping into a relationship, I want to have a deep connection with someone. I want chemistry. I want someone that I could trust fully; someone I could be completely open to. In college, it’s easy to make friends. I made many friends the beginning of freshman year, but none of whom I felt a certain connection with. There was no way that I was going to go into a relationship with someone that I barely knew. The only interactions I see of my peers are with other students and professors in a school settings. Judging someone’s character in just one environment is not a good way to gauge whether someone totally fits with my personality. Not sharing the same morals as all the people also made it more difficult to find people. I am in no rush to get a boyfriend. There are a lot more people than what my current school and city has to offer. The world has more eligible candidates. It does not matter whether I date a lot of guys or don’t date at all. There’s still a small hopeless romantic in me that believes that the time will come when I find someone and everything will just fall into place.

Who woulda thunk…

I certainly didn’t.

Not a year ago, not six months ago, three months… Hell, not even the day we first met did I think that you would be driving me crazy. I barely knew of your existence two months prior to this day. You were just a face and a name, but definitely not someone I gave much thought. However, you managed to get into my head and consume my thoughts.

Clearly, you’ve done something that caused my brain to rewire. Now, it seems as if this big head of mine is filled with images of you. How you managed to break down my walls and lower my guards in such a short amount of time still baffles me… I’m more cautious now than ever, yet you broke through every protection I built to shield me from getting hurt again.

It’s such a strange, but wonderful feeling to be admired. It’s also so new, which makes it scarier than it would’ve been if I had any experiences with relationships.

Every day I wonder how someone like you is actually interested in someone like me. I try not to let my insecurities win over and ruin whatever is just beginning. Yet, time and again they cloud my thoughts. I would just like to enjoy what we have because this seems like something special. I have no idea how things will end up, but I’m rooting that this is for the long haul because you are quite something and I think you may be able to give me my happily ever after.

The Unknown.

It’s weird, but there are things and people out there that we didn’t even know we are interested in until we encounter them. I am commonly told I have very high standards, which makes dating harder than it is for me. However, to meet someone who seems to be everything I wanted and more is a little surreal. Sure, it’s probably not going to end up how I want it to… happily ever after and all, but at least I have proven that my type does exist.

I’d go as far as saying my night was magical… though I don’t anticipate a continuation. At least my faith in love/humanity was somewhat restored.

Realization.

The distance that has been separating us is something that I have been needing for quite some time. For a long period of time, I’ve been wanting to get away from you so I can put my feelings to a halt knowing that pining over you causes more harm than good. Being in constant contact with you have made it so hard for me to get over this foolish crush. I was so naïve about relationships when I first met you, not that I am not anymore, but now I am more aware of things.

I have been trying to stop these thoughts from forming in my head of how you’ll eventually come around one day and I’ll be there stupidly accepting you. The logical part of me scolds every single time I think that way, but the part of me who believes that we might have a chance somehow wins 8/10 of the battle. At first, I didn’t understand why… I knew that you had these qualities that I admired, undeniable chemistry that has led people who do and don’t know us to believe we’re a couple, and lastly because you’ve been the most constant person in my life for the past few years outside of my family.

Logical me argues that this is not enough for me to keep hoping that one day it will be you and me in the end. This argument is too weak because there are other guys out there who are much better than you in all aspects. Second, I may have better chemistry with someone I have not met yet. Finally, you’re someone who I want in my life for a long time. We don’t need to be in a relationship for that to occur.

These are things that I constantly repeat to myself with each thought I have of you. I then continue to remind myself of your negative qualities to convince myself to stop putting you on a pedestal. As you have said so yourself (out of the blue, during one of your hypothetical spiels), you’re not the type of person who would be good for me. I agree 100% with it now that I’ve had time away from you to analyze everything. You always manage to make me feel like I’m in cloud 9, but you also drain me to the point that I feel mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.

The mark of being away from you for a year is fast approaching. As the days go by, I think about you less and less. Although, there’s still that sliver of hope. So in my free time, I read pointless articles and forums on how to get over your best friend. Funnily enough, last night I found someone’s answer from a forum which put into words what I actually felt about you.

“When it’s unreciprocated infatuation, it’s mostly about you… Pretty much every time I’ve had a horrible, unbearable crush on someone, it was about my own need to change myself, often in a way represented by the person… Brilliant, charismatic philosophy person with a happy childhood? My desire to be that kind of person, to be happy, to be liked. Oddball, driven activist with unconventional gender presentation? My own drive to be a better activist and sort out my gender stuff. “

It was then that I realized that I did admire you because you had the qualities I never had. But since we spent all that time together, some did rub off on me. However, I will never be as good as you on the piano or be as intelligent as you are. But love? Although I truly love you, I don’t think I was ever in love with you. Maybe I liked the idea that people saw how good we looked together and how we seemed to get along so well, but what they saw was the surface. I do love you as a best friend, as family, since we were there for each other during the hard times… but even our friendship also seems to be one-sided at times.

You’re not someone I could be in love with, if you are not in love with me as well. If you are not willing to put effort to meet me halfway I’ll eventually get tired of having to meet you where you are (literally and figuratively). As our regular interactions become more sporadic, I don’t have to actively ignore you as I see your name pop up on my messages or calls. With a clear future ahead of me and less doubts of my capabilities, I’m starting to think about myself a lot more.

I’m sorry that I have not been 100% your best friend, but I’ll get there eventually. I just need to be certain with who I want to be and achieve all the goals that I have for myself. Until then, I’ll be a bad friend who only texts once in a while and ignores you majority of the time.

 

 

 

 

Why I should stop seeing you as a potential…

• You’re adventurous and each time spent with you is thrilling, but I somehow end up feeling that I’m never good enough for you
• I will never be your first choice
• Our morals do not line up
• You don’t believe in God
• You’re not very supportive
• We’re really good friends and I would hate to do anything that will change that
• We will never be able to make each other the happiest we could be
• You remember the things I say, but it seems that when we talk it’s all about you
• You’re smart and talented, but you can be too much to handle
• We always end up doing what you want
• Being with you, talking about you, doing what you want is fun, but can be pretty draining physically and emotionally
• I can never speak my mind with you because I’m afraid that you will judge me
• You’re someone I wouldn’t mind taking home to my family, but I would think about whether I want to go home with you each night and start a family with you
• We like the same music and laugh at the same jokes, but is that enough?
• You don’t take care of your body and your heart
• I don’t fully agree with your view on relationships
• I can’t sit comfortably in silence with you

A response.

I don’t quite believe in romance the way that I used to. I have learned a lot of things the past year that made me realize that I have been so fortunate to not have been exposed to many of the horrible things in this world. I lost my faith in humanity… I lost faith in love and became devastated because I saw how my generation is changing the future of relationships, and I cannot keep up. The technological age changed the way relationships work a lot more than I originally believed. Meeting someone and getting to know them in person seems to be too old-fashioned nowadays, making it difficult for hopeless romantics like me. Thus, I now believe that I only have a 1% chance in finding love (if I’m lucky).

It has been almost two years since we officially met. You were captivating and I thought that you were the one (but now I know that was silly of me). When I wrote that entry, I was hopeful that our budding friendship would turn into something. Yet, I was trying to prevent myself from getting hurt so I began convincing myself that just having you as a friend would be enough. There were a lot of things that happened in between, but long story short I ended getting my heart broken. Reality really did a poor job of meeting my expectations… Despite having a period where I really hated you and just wanted to get away from you (which was impossible… it was hard trying to bottle up all that hate and frustration when you constantly talked to me), we somehow stayed friends and even became the best of friends.

It’s funny how I wrote “In my hopeless romantic world, it would be you and me, once we are ready to settle down.” Now we joke about being each other’s back ups (I really do hope that will not be the case). However, I am not going to lie and say that the possibility of you and I ending up together does not cross my mind. When you suggested that, naturally I blushed a little… and all the other times that you repeated it. That foolish girl who believes in love and fate still resides deep inside of me. Although you are one of the reasons I lost my faith in love and humanity, I am still very grateful to have a friend like you coming into my life. Our relationship is so unique and it’s something that I will treasure forever.

We’re both starting a new chapter in our lives. I wonder if our friendship will stand the test of time and distance… I pray it does. My faith in love may be lost, but I still believe that friendships can last forever. I hope it does not turn out to be another one of the “silly things” that I once believed to be true.

P.S. Still kinda hoping that my Prince Charming will turn up soon.

Old Journal Entry.

Having existed for almost twenty years on the face of this planet, I never once found myself spending so much of my time talking to and spending time with someone of the opposite sex who is worth risking my heart for. I guess, reading fairy tales and watching Cinderella and other Disney movies tirelessly made me have high standards. Seeing the great relationship of my parents while growing up also made me believe in love. They definitely made me see the importance of working together as partners to keep the relationship strong.

Being in college, and living on my own, I got to experience life from a different perspective. I was still indifferent about love until the fall of sophomore year when you walked into the room. It was as if fate tapped me on the shoulder and said, “That is him. He is the one.” I’ve seen you before, but I had doubts so I brushed it off. Class ended, but we did not speak at all.

The next week, you asked if the seat next to me was taken and from then on it was you and me. However, I thought that it was nothing romantic. I thought you were cute, and the more I got to know you, the more I thought of you.

I thought of you when I would study, and remember the clever and stupid, but funny, things you said in class. I thought of you when your name would appear on my phone or computer, and wonder why you would talk to me instead of doing other things. I thought of you when I’m driving alone listening to the radio because you told me when we were on our way to dinner that one time after class that you don’t like country.

I thought of you a lot, but I knew I should stop thinking about you.

When the semester was coming to an end, I was afraid that our “friendship” would end along with it. Afterall, there would be no reason for us to talk because we wouldn’t have any classes together and I would never see you around because I managed to not see you for the whole first year of college, no matter how small the university is, what would be the difference then? (Besides the fact that I can and have to spend more time on campus)

I don’t see myself as the typical girl-next-door, and you are my definition of “Mr. Right.” There was no reason for you to talk to someone like me. You just seemed too out of my league. I tried to come up with ways to talk to you when winter break started, but I ran out of excuses after grades were out. Spring semester began and although I wanted to talk to you, I didn’t want to creep you out. I finally found a good reason to talk to you, and that was when our regular exchanges began. I felt as if we were actually friends, instead of acquaintances who stuck with each other because it was convenient. You shared things about your life, and we messaged each other late at night. You asked me to hang out, and it made me happy to be in your presence.

Right now I’m not quite sure what’s going on, but I like things the way they are.

I want you in my life. It doesn’t have to be anything romantic. I want to be in your life, even as a friend. It would be a great loss if someone like you would be gone from my life forever. I have never made a connection with someone similar to what we have.

I have always believed in destiny and love. In my hopeless romantic world, it would be you and me, once we are ready to settle down. Sadly, the world does not work that way. I’m not really sure of what we are and what we have or if there’s even a slight chance of us ever dating. I’m not one to read between the lines, but I feel that this is something special. I’d still be happy even if we are only meant to be friends because I’m pretty darn lucky to have met someone like you. Without you, I wouldn’t have known that someone can actually meet everything in the long list of things that I look for in a man.

What we are does not matter at the moment because I’m grateful for whatever we have. You have restored my faith in love. Because of you, I am inclined to believe that romance still exists.