Realization.

by hera

The distance that has been separating us is something that I have been needing for quite some time. For a long period of time, I’ve been wanting to get away from you so I can put my feelings to a halt knowing that pining over you causes more harm than good. Being in constant contact with you have made it so hard for me to get over this foolish crush. I was so naïve about relationships when I first met you, not that I am not anymore, but now I am more aware of things.

I have been trying to stop these thoughts from forming in my head of how you’ll eventually come around one day and I’ll be there stupidly accepting you. The logical part of me scolds every single time I think that way, but the part of me who believes that we might have a chance somehow wins 8/10 of the battle. At first, I didn’t understand why… I knew that you had these qualities that I admired, undeniable chemistry that has led people who do and don’t know us to believe we’re a couple, and lastly because you’ve been the most constant person in my life for the past few years outside of my family.

Logical me argues that this is not enough for me to keep hoping that one day it will be you and me in the end. This argument is too weak because there are other guys out there who are much better than you in all aspects. Second, I may have better chemistry with someone I have not met yet. Finally, you’re someone who I want in my life for a long time. We don’t need to be in a relationship for that to occur.

These are things that I constantly repeat to myself with each thought I have of you. I then continue to remind myself of your negative qualities to convince myself to stop putting you on a pedestal. As you have said so yourself (out of the blue, during one of your hypothetical spiels), you’re not the type of person who would be good for me. I agree 100% with it now that I’ve had time away from you to analyze everything. You always manage to make me feel like I’m in cloud 9, but you also drain me to the point that I feel mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.

The mark of being away from you for a year is fast approaching. As the days go by, I think about you less and less. Although, there’s still that sliver of hope. So in my free time, I read pointless articles and forums on how to get over your best friend. Funnily enough, last night I found someone’s answer from a forum which put into words what I actually felt about you.

“When it’s unreciprocated infatuation, it’s mostly about you… Pretty much every time I’ve had a horrible, unbearable crush on someone, it was about my own need to change myself, often in a way represented by the person… Brilliant, charismatic philosophy person with a happy childhood? My desire to be that kind of person, to be happy, to be liked. Oddball, driven activist with unconventional gender presentation? My own drive to be a better activist and sort out my gender stuff. “

It was then that I realized that I did admire you because you had the qualities I never had. But since we spent all that time together, some did rub off on me. However, I will never be as good as you on the piano or be as intelligent as you are. But love? Although I truly love you, I don’t think I was ever in love with you. Maybe I liked the idea that people saw how good we looked together and how we seemed to get along so well, but what they saw was the surface. I do love you as a best friend, as family, since we were there for each other during the hard times… but even our friendship also seems to be one-sided at times.

You’re not someone I could be in love with, if you are not in love with me as well. If you are not willing to put effort to meet me halfway I’ll eventually get tired of having to meet you where you are (literally and figuratively). As our regular interactions become more sporadic, I don’t have to actively ignore you as I see your name pop up on my messages or calls. With a clear future ahead of me and less doubts of my capabilities, I’m starting to think about myself a lot more.

I’m sorry that I have not been 100% your best friend, but I’ll get there eventually. I just need to be certain with who I want to be and achieve all the goals that I have for myself. Until then, I’ll be a bad friend who only texts once in a while and ignores you majority of the time.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements